There are many times in my life where I’m like “this would be so much easier for you if you knew astrology.” Recently I was watching Married at First Sight, a show where so-called ‘experts’ match two people who they think will make a good married couple based on a series of interviews. Those people first meet at the altar on their wedding day, get married, then have two or so months to get to know each other and decide if they want to stay married. God I love reality television.

You know the easiest way to tell if two people are going to be compatible in the long run without ever meeting each other? Look at their composite synastry chart. But no, these ‘experts’ - a pastor and a therapist named Dr. Pepper who seems to care less about her patients’ mental health and more about women staying married an having babies no matter what - just operate off vibes. Which makes for great tv, don’t get me wrong - but if they would like their experiment to have a better success rate than their current 10%, they should hire an astrologer.

(I sent them an email in January telling them this and saying they should hire me specifically, so please keep your fingers crossed for me.)

And that brings us to Traitors. If you aren’t familiar, Traitors is a Peacock show hosted by the fabulous Alan Cumming that I believe is similar to the game Assassin (I have never played so please don’t attack me if I’m wrong). Alan, dressed in one incredibly campy outfit after another, invites 20 or so former reality show competitors to a gorgeous castle in Scotland and gathers them around an antique round table. He then blindfolds them and secretly selects 3ish people to be the Traitors, and the remaining people are Faithfuls. The Traitors commit a murder every night, the remaining players complete a demanding challenge the next day, and that night they gather around the round table to come together and banish a player who they think is a Traitor. They are… rarely correct, the player they banished reveals they’re a Faithful, and they all moan and groan and curse Alan Cumming’s delicious outfits and sick little game.

I watched two seasons of Traitors without doing any astrological analysis, but I was watching season 1 with my best friend in New York this New Year’s and as it got down to the final people I was like, damn, there are some interesting dynamics going on here, I wish I knew their charts. The Traitors S3 cast had already been announced, so I pulled together some preliminary stats about the competitors.

The icons in the bottom left are each player’s sun sign; the gold T in the upper left corner denotes a traitor.

Above is the Sun sign breakdown of the full cast (not including Alan) at the beginning of the game. As you can see, Capricorn takes an early lead here. And this is not exactly a random selection of people - these are people who have either won or been a ‘villain’ on a tv show, whether that’s Big Brother, Survivor, The Challenge, Bachelor, Housewives, Drag Race, etc. And then there’s Zac Efron’s brother (Aquarius) and Britney Spears’ ex-husband (Pisces). And the first openly gay member of the British Royal Family, Lord Ivar Mountbatten (Pisces).

I feel like Capricorns are supremely underrated. My best friend is a Capricorn and she is definitely a silent killer. I recently read Julia Fox’s memoir Down the Drain and was so intrigued by her I pulled up her birth chart - SO many Capricorn placements. These are people who get shit DONE but are Saturnian so they’re not extravagant or loud about it. People forget that Capricorn is the sign that exalts Mars, planet of aggression and action. And I fear it’s exactly this mistake that is going to cost these people the money in the prize pot, because all of these Traitors have strong Capricorn placements.

Interestingly, every sign is represented in this cast except Libra. I guess the cardinal air sign of harmony and balance is just not an asset on reality television competition shows.

We start off with the selection of the Traitors: Danielle Reyes (Big Brother, Aquarius), Carolyn Wiger (Survivor, Capricorn), and Bob the Drag Queen (RuPaul’s Drag Race, Cancer). Alan also pulls a little stunt and brings three new players into the game, one of whom becomes a Traitor: Rob ‘Boston Rob’ Mariano (Survivor, Capricorn born on Christmas).

***NOTE:*** *I don’t have reliable birth times for any of the contestants, so I am not using rising signs or houses in my analysis.*

As you can see, HEAVY Capricorn placements among the Traitors. Two of them are Capricorn suns, and three of them have Capricorn Mercury.

The first player murdered is Dorinda from Real Housewives of New York (REST IN PEACE QUEEN), a Sagittarius. The players gather around the round table and for no explicable reason choose to eliminate Wells Adams, the bartender on Bachelor in Paradise and a contestant from JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette. Wells is a Taurus so I’m excited to see that they might be onto these silent, more grounded Earth signs, but alas, goodbye Wells. You will simply have to go home to your hot wife Sarah Hyland, what a terrible fate.

In the dead of night the Traitors don their cloaks and meet in the castle turret. Due to the urging of Bob the Drag Queen, an agent of absolute chaos, they decide to murder Ayan from Real Housewives of Dubai, our lone Gemini and Wells’ best friend on the show.

I have to ask, WHY IS NO ONE MURDERING TOM SANDOVAL???? Get that wretched Cancer OFF OF MY SCREEN!!!!

The next night everyone gathers around the round table and decides to banish Tony Vlachos from Survivor, one of the two Virgos. Again, an Earth sign, but THE WRONG EARTH SIGN!!!

The original cast is now down four people - all Faithfuls. The Traitors have been getting away with murder (literally) without even a scratch, and the group is panicking.

The Traitors have a special challenge this night - instead of just writing their victim’s name on a letter that is delivered in the dead of night, they must sneak undetected into a wine cellar during cocktail hour and write three names on a piece of paper inside a small coffin. Those three people will be ‘buried alive’ in coffins in front of all the players, and the Traitors will sneak out in the dead of night to put a final nail in the coffin of their desired target. The Traitors and Faithfuls are all informed that the Traitors are allowed to include one or more of their own names on this list. Knowing anyone on the list will have a target on their backs, these clever Sea Goats only include Faithfuls on the list.

They choose to bury Ciara Miller from Summer House (Capricorn), WWE’s Nikki Bella (Scorpio), and Jeremy Collins from Survivor (Aries). The Traitors sneak down and murder Jeremy in the dead of night.

This is where things get interesting. The group as a whole is doing a challenge where they carry heavy stones up a very large hill, and Bob the Drag Queen loudly says “well, we all think one of the new guys [Rob, Wes, and Derrick who joined in episode 2] is a Traitor, right?” Hearing this, Boston Rob immediately goes on the attack and starts telling everyone that he knows Bob the Drag Queen is a Traitor and they should all vote him out tonight. He in all his Capricorn glory manages to get almost everyone on board, and shifts the suspicion from Ciara and Nikki (Faithfuls) to Bob (a fellow Traitor). Backstabber by Kesha plays faintly

Bob the Drag Queen (RuPaul’s Drag Race, Cancer) receives the majority of the votes and is banished. He stands up and announces that he’s a Traitor and everyone is ECSTATIC! They finally got one!!!

However, has Rob gotten himself in hot water? We get a clip of Wes saying “how do you know, absolutely know someone’s a Traitor? If you’re a Traitor too.” Uh oh Rob, he’s onto you!

The remaining Traitors return to their turret that night and Carolyn and Danielle are like girl… what the fuck?! And Boston Rob is like, don’t threaten me, or else! And now all trust is broken and all bets are off and everything is chaos. God, I love this show. They decide to murder Robyn from Real Housewives of Potomac (Aries) for reasons I don’t really understand, and there goes our Aries. There’s only one Martian cardinal sign allowed on this cast and that’s Capricorn, baby!!!

This episode is a MESS. Danielle is unbelievably suspicious in the challenge and is giving shields to other people instead of taking them for herself. Danielle then starts throwing out Carolyn’s name as a potential Traitor! Girl, what?!

Fortunately, this mess is ignored as Carolyn and Danielle are both generally unstable-seeming, and our lone Scorpio Nikki Bella’s Scorpio-ness finally comes to bite her, with even her best friends Chrishell and Gabby turning on her. Nikki is banished and gives this whole long Scorpio speech about how just because someone is different doesn’t mean they’re a liar or a Traitor. She announces she’s a Faithful, the girls are crying, it’s a mess.

TRIGGER WARNING: DEVASTATION AHEAD

In a move I will simply NEVER forgive “Boston” “Rob” for, he convinces the other Traitors to MURDER SWEET BOB HARPER FROM BIGGEST LOSER! CRIMINAL! HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!

Bob H, I love you and I am sorry. Please return to my television screen with your bleached hair and your perfect sweet soul. I’m so sorry you had to be closeted on Biggest Loser, you are a beautiful person inside and out </3

Ok, but we’re getting somewhere! Wes has put out the call and we’re taking out Boston Rob! Yeah! Let’s go, girls!

Oh… wait. What? Rob is saying… he’s being framed? That that’s exactly what a Traitor would say? And Chrishell is on his side because she “doesn’t like the way Wes speaks to her”? And Wes is threatening the people who are voting for him like an insane person (Sagittarius)? Oh. And Danielle and Carolyn are accusing each other of being Traitors but no one is paying attention because they just think those girls are crazy? Of course.

So, as it goes, Wes Bergmann (The Challenge, Sagittarius) is banished, announces he’s a Faithful, and everyone is mad. There goes our last fire sign.

Will Rob FINALLY get banished? Will the Faithfuls ever realize Carolyn and Danielle aren’t just “crazy” and are actually Traitors? Only time will tell! See you Friday for our next update!

Here are the remaining Sun signs for all the players as of the end of episode 6:

The Capricorns are untouchable! Not a single Capricorn Sun has left this game. Nor have any of the Aquarius, Pisces, or Cancers. Harmless little water signs, scheming Capricorns, and intelligent Aquarius and Virgos who are probably our only hope. And no fire signs, so sorry to the Aries, Leo, and Sagittarii who began this doomed game.

Here’s some data on the cast members who have been banished:

Two earth signs, two water signs, one fire sign. Two mutable, two fixed, one cardinal. Though to be fair, they would NOT have banished Bob the Drag Queen without Rob ratting him out, so that one cardinal sign is pure luck.

More data on murdered contestants:

Apparently, being a fire sign is grounds for murder! Four out of five murders have been fire signs, with one air sign. Two mutable signs, one fixed, and two cardinal. Sorry, fiery friends, you’re just too much of a threat I suppose.

And the Capricorns remain fully untouched. Which is, as is the point of this post, why you should fear the Capricorn - they are smart, they are scheming, and they fly under the radar. Everyone is like “I would never date a Gemini” “I hate Scorpios” but they’ve got it all wrong. Capricorns are the silent killer and they SHOULD be feared. I don’t know how this season ends, but if the Traitors end up with the money like they did in Season 1… maybe they’ll learn to use astrology in their calculations next season. But they probably won’t, because no one ever listens to us Virgos even though we know everything!!!!!!

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