Lord of the Rings, Male Comp Het, and boys who might have been heroes

I am 31 years old and, until this past weekend, I had never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies. I know, I know. Trust me, you would be even more upset if you heard some of the other movies and shows I’ve never watched. I’m working on it! I had a somewhat sheltered childhood, and my parents always told me it was too scary for me.

The truly sick part here is that I LOVE fantasy. It is by far my favorite genre of book and movie. I read 99 books in 2024, which were split 70% nonfiction and 30% fiction. And still, fantasy was my most-read genre. Maybe it’s the Pisces rising in me.

On Friday I revisited the 2007 masterpiece Stardust, and Letterboxd recommended I watch Lord of the Rings next. I didn’t have any plans, we were getting a rare rainstorm in Pasadena, and what better time than now? On Saturday afternoon I watched Fellowship of the Ring (followed by Wilde because I didn’t have enough time for another LOTR movie, and I wanted to absorb Jude Law’s chaotic twink energy). Then Sunday I tucked into Two Towers followed by Return of the King.

Ok, first things first – I LOVED them. GOAT, nothing else like it, etc. There wasn’t a moment of the last two movies that something cool wasn’t going on. My cats watched with me and loved them too. Bravo, I’m sure I’ll find myself zonked on edibles watching the extended cuts on a future weekend.

However, my enjoyment of the films was slightly hampered by a memory that was triggered the moment I heard the name ‘Aragorn’. All I could think of was how my younger brother, his friends, and the boys I went to school with all idolized Aragorn and Legolas. They talked about them nonstop and dressed as them for Halloween. Finally seeing the Aragorn they idolized was very confusing to me.

Viggo Mortensen’s Aragorn is a sexy beast, yes, but more importantly he is a noble hero. He is humble but never says die, and he literally helps save the world from Mordor and the evil Eye of Sauron. He is a king! He survives a billion-foot drop into a river and gets right back on his horse!

My brother, and his friends, and all the boys who grew up idolizing Aragorn, Legolas, Sam, Frodo, Gandalf, even Gimli, held so much promise. And yet - at a time when we need heroes more than ever - they aren’t answering the call. At a moment where we’re facing down a tyrannical government with an uncomfortable number of parallels to Mordor, where are they?! Peter Thiel LITERALLY named his company ‘Palantir’ after the orb the evil wizard Saruman uses to communicate with the evil-er Sauron. Peter Thiel LITERALLY is the wizard behind the curtain for one JD Vance. If ever there was a time that you could cosplay Aragorn, it’s now! So where are they!

I can’t speak for all these men, but my brother voted for Trump in the 2024 election. That’s not very heroic of you, dude! All the men who wanted to be Aragorn are working for Mordor now? All the guys who idolized Legolas are listening to Andrew Tate? Every young man who grew up wanting to be a great hero like Frodo got knocked off track by a couple guys in a basement with a podcast mic? I hate this timeline.

I’m a woman and a lesbian and I try my absolute best to stay out of men’s business, but guys… this is really pathetic. Aragorn would be SO disappointed in you. Come on! Get it together! You can’t be the hero of all Middle Earth and hate women! PLEASE!!!

I will stop talking about how ANGRY I AM AT MEN now to discuss something just as important: how fucking gay this series is. And I will use this opportunity to discuss male compulsory heterosexuality because it is an EPIDEMIC, potentially worse than female compulsory heterosexuality.

I mean. I MEAN! Frodo and Sam are IN LOVE. They have literally been to hell and back together. They have been through it ALL. And then, in one of the final climactic scenes, Sam ruins the mood by talking about the GIRL he wants to MARRY? Give me a fucking BREAK! And then Frodo literally chooses to DIE because he can’t be with Sam, who has a wife and kids and no room for a gay little boyfriend.

Legolas is in love with Aragorn. You cannot say one mean thing about Aragorn without that platinum blond twink stringing up his bow and pointing it at your face. But Aragorn is hetero (like, the only hetero), so Legolas settles for Gimli.

It’s just fucking annoying to see this. If Sam’s character was Samantha or Frodo was Frieda, any friendship of this depth would have been exploited for romance immediately. But it’s two guys so it doesn’t matter that their relationship is clearly LOVE because we won’t be having any of that gay shit here? Sure. Because straight is default and gay is other. I’ve heard it all before. Newsflash: you’re wrong.

SOOOOO many of the problems in our society – men who HATE women, the femicide epidemic, general male rage and violence – is a result of men repressing their feelings towards other men, or thinking those feelings are wrong. Society do be brainwashing, I’ll give you that, and it took a long time for me to realize my hatred of men and propensity to get the ick at the drop of a hat were signs I was a lesbian. All these men who go around and fuck a million girls and can’t commit (a la Leo DiCaprio) are probably gay. Trump is gay, JD Vance is gay. My ex is gay, my dad is gay. Leo DiCaprio? Gay too. Once you learn to recognize it you can spot it anywhere.

So, Peter Jackson / JRR Tolkien, please, if you’re listening – PLEASE do a new version of LOTR where Frodo and Sam can be gay lovers together forever and ever. It will go a long way towards helping our society heal. Thank you!